Missing One We've Never Met

Declaring to Live in Faith

2010-05-10T22:16:00.003-05:00

Hello my Child!

It's been a while I know. Why is that? Well, mostly because of something called doubt. Doubt happens when I allow the things I see to convince me that you are never going to happen. Doubt is a dream killer. Doubt feels true but God calls us to live in faith. The Bible tells us in Hebrews 11:1 that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. The Bible also tells us that God is pleased when we live in faith, believing Him for answers to our prayers. This is harder to do than you might think. Especially when there are other things telling you otherwise.

For instance, your Daddy and I are getting older. At this writing, I am 42 and Daddy is 48. Most couples seem to become parents in their 20's and 30's so that by the time they are our ages, their kids are in high school or college or even out on their own by now. There are exceptions, of course, but that is why they are called exceptions.

Also, Daddy's health is always an issue. His muscle weakness is getting more pronounced and he is able to do less every day. Of course he is still able to talk, listen, pray, and empathize. AND he is still the go, go gadget wheelchair guy, but he feels badly about not being able to run, jump, hike, and play sports like other guys.

Finally, is the issue of finances. We really appreciate my being able to stay home and care for Daddy but in doing that, our budget took a hit. And even since I've been home taking care of Daddy, my pay has been cut nearly $400/month. We have cut about nearly everything we can cut from our budget. We have all that we need, our bills are paid, and we are not behind on anything. Still, we do not have a lot of extra to play with. I will tell you that we never lack anything we need. We always have food, clothes, and things Daddy needs. Our whole married life, if we've needed it, God's provided it. I am still learning this and tend to be fearful about the future, so maybe finances aren't the issue I think they are.

So if I continued to live in doubt, I would look at this list (and other minor things I didn't add) and say, "It is impossible. We will never have children." But living in faith is to look at the things that look like impossibilities and say, "well, yes, these things look like they might hinder us on the road to parenthood but our God is able to make a way where there seems to be no way." Faith is to look ahead and wonder how God is going to provide. Faith is to look ahead and live as though what we are hoping for has already been spoken.

Once, a couple of years ago, I dreamed that I had a baby. In that dream I was marveling at having a baby. I was praising God for the miracle of this baby. Then the baby starting talking! A 3-month old baby was speaking in full sentences which caused me to marvel even more. At that point, the baby looked at me and said, "Is anything impossible or too hard for God?" It was as if you were coming to me in my dreams to remind me that we serve the God of the impossible. So while other people might look at me and your Daddy and say, it would be foolish of them to be parents, we have to be obedient to God and live in faith.

We do not know what the future holds. We are working on getting a house. It looks like a go but we never know. If it is a go, there were will more than enough room for you and any siblings God might give you. We also have a free adoption application fee. I won it at an infertility and family planning conference. It's worth $500! We have a great church and church family that we know would help support us in raising you too. And of course, we have our God guiding, leading, directing, teaching, and loving us. Our job is to follow, learn, and walk in obedience...and live in faith.

So today I take a stand. I say, there will be a child in our future. I don't know how. I don't know from where. I don't know how many. I don't know when. And let me say again...I don't know how. But God knows and I want to tell Him that I will live in faith believing. He will provide. He will make a way where there seems to be none. He will do it. And even if He doesn't, He is still God and He is still able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine. I will believe. For you. In faith. I love you kiddo.

If You are Weird and You Know it...Write a Blog

2009-08-12T23:47:00.003-05:00

Hey Kiddo!

I was thinking about you today. I was in Target and heard a small child whining and screaming at her mother. The child was screaming, "Stop! Stop! Stop! No! I don't want you to go! Stop now!" So the mommy stopped and after a minute she asked her small child if they could go again. The child screamed "NO!" The mommy moved on anyway and the child threw a fit. Why was I thinking of you? Because at this point, right now you are not here and in my head you are the perfectly behaved child and I am the perfectly behaved mother. I think to myself, "MY child will not scream or whine or throw a tantrum in public. I will know exactly how to parent my child so he/she behaves perfectly in Target." Of course this is not the least bit realistic but it is true nonetheless. (Once you actually get here all my friends and family will say, "I told you so", but until then I can harbor my harmless little parenting fantasies.)

You know your parents are weird. I know you have already figured this out but I just want to tell you a little bit about us in case it hasn't yet become apparent to you. How are we weird? Well, your dad likes to tell stupid jokes. He tells what I call groaners. They aren't funny as much as they are...painful. They make you groan. Of course Daddy doesn't think they are groaners. But Daddy is often easily amused too. And of course Daddy is also usually the one laughing the loudest and longest at his own jokes. Sometimes he gets lucky and actually tells me a joke that makes me laugh out long but most of the time I just politely laugh in hopes of not encouraging further ruckus.

We are also weird because we play the rhyming game. This is the game where either your dad or I end a sentance with a word and for some reason it strikes the other of us to speak another sentance with the end word rhyming with the end word of the last sentance. We play either until we can no longer think of a rhyming word or we get distracted. The winner is the last one to find an actual real rhyming word. We do this quite often and the most popular word to rhyme is poop. Yes, we are 12 year olds at heart.

We are further weird because we will recite lines from movies, TV shows, and commercials that make us laugh. I know a lot of people do this but when we do it, we laugh long and hard as though it were the first time we ever heard it. Again, this is because we are easily amused.

This is a much shorter post than most, but I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and wondering how you will really behave in public AND let you know that we are weird and we know it.

I love you kiddo!

Mom

Bumps in the Road to You

2009-08-09T22:54:00.005-05:00

Hey Kiddo!

I haven't written you in a while and I have to say it's not your fault. I've been kind of sad lately and I'd rather not put that into your letters because you (and thoughts of you) make me anything but sad.

Did I tell you that your dad and I had problems conceiving? Maybe you're too young to know about such things right now but at some point I know you will understand. When we first got married, Daddy and I really wanted to get pregnant right away. It didn't happen and we were kind of concerned but about the time we thought to get medical attention, your Daddy was dealing with his own medical issues and the muscular dystrophy diagnosis. So we didn't ask doctors to help us for a long time.

Once we asked doctors to help us, there were a lot of tests. Daddy didn't really have a lot of tests, but I sure did. I even had 2 same-day operations to remove some tissue and a benign polyp. I also found out that my health insurance allowed 4 insemination attempts and paid for them. (When you're older I will tell you what this means.) So we (I say we but your father's part, while very important, was not as invasive as my part) went through those 4 attempts. None of them worked. The doctors could not really say why. There seemed to be no medical reason for our infertility and after the 4th attempt, I was too disheartened to continue with the medical intervention.

You see, with each insemination attempt, I rode a roller coaster of hope and disappointment whose peaks and valleys were made even more intense by the hormones I had to take prior to each procedure. After the failure of the 4th attempt, I was too sad, too disappointed, and too disheartened to continue. Your dad and I decided to take a break. After the first of the new year, my insurance would pay for further inseminations but would cap them after a certain dollar amount so we thought we'd wait until the middle of the new year to try again.

The new year brought more than we bargained or planned for. My job held more stress than was healthy for me and your dad needed someone to be at home for a few hours a day to look after him which just added to my stress. I finally decided (with much adamant prompting from your dad) to quit my job and take care of Daddy. By quitting my job though I lost my health insurance so even though we said we'd try again with medical intervention, we really couldn't.

We didn't give up though. We thought we could be foster parents and find you and adopt you through the foster care system. That didn't work out for us because the grant your daddy is on is not compatible with the foster care stipend system. The foster care workers wanted us to be foster parents and were disappointed when a state worker told us ipso facto that no exception could be made. So we faced another bump in the road to finding you.

The last couple of weeks we have been praying about adopting a waiting child from our state. There are hundreds of kids ages 6+ waiting for families. We know we don't have a lot but we have always had whatever we needed and we share whatever we have with others. We thought it would be awesome to do that for a kid who needs parents and a home. So I wrote to a couple of agencies to get information on this program. I was saddened and disheartened to read that in order to adopt a MN waiting child, we would have to qualify for foster care. Arrrrg!

Sweetie, when I read that MN requires adoptive parents to qualify as foster parents in order to adopt a waiting child, I felt my heart plummet. I lost heart. I admit it. It doesn't matter that both your dad and I feel called to this. It doesn't matter that for weeks I've been praying you have a good, safe home where you are getting all the food you need, clean warm water for baths, clean, well-fitting clothes, and that you are in a place where you feel loved and safe. It doesn't matter that your dad and I felt this was what God wanted us to do. I just read that and felt as if another wall had been thrown up before us. A wall too big to cross over or move around. A wall impenetrable. A wall no one could scale, not even God who is HUGE.

I've had a week to think and pray about it and I wrote an email and sent it to every one of our local and national state government officials and the local TV stations. I heard from one senator's office that she would put her assistant on the matter but I've not heard anything since. I am feeling better than I was a week ago but it still seems impossible.

Sweetie, I really struggle with doubt. I just don't think it's fair that there are TV and billboard ads crying out for good homes for needy children and we are willingly offering ours but are turned away due to a technicality. I know you are out there somewhere. I'm praying for you every day and I am hoping that God will make a way where there definitely seems to be no way for you to get to us.

Today our pastor preached a sermon and told us that we need to be about the cause of the poor and the orphan. Kiddo, I am all about your cause. I am praying you into our home and I am writing letters and speaking to whoever will listen about our desire to offer you a forever home. It's not easy and my heart is heavy with doubt and disappointment. But if there is a way, I know God will bring you to us. I just wanted to write and tell you that we loved you before we knew you. We wanted you before you even were. We are sorry for anything you had to endure prior to you becoming ours but for all of us, it seems that path has been bumpy and long. I surely hope that someday we can all look back down that road and see how worth it it really was.

Hey I know that all our hard work will not be over once we're together and in many ways it will just be starting. But if there is anything your Daddy and I have learned is that it is better going through it together with God than all alone. So we'll all work at it and we will love you no matter what. Just don't forget that. Just like God brought me and Daddy together, God is working on bringing you to us. We just need to be patient and available for Him to do His work.

I love you and cannot wait to meet you and be your mom!

Prayers, Steps, and Doors

2009-07-30T23:27:00.003-05:00

Hey Kiddo!

Guess what? You may exist after all! If you are reading this, then of course you exist but as I write it, I have no formal knowledge of you. Just a vague hope that you are alive and out there somewhere.

Your dad and I have always been open to adoption. We have really wanted to adopt but have never felt that door open to us. When we first got married we thought we'd have biological as well as adopted kids but we weren't able to get pregnant. We would have delved into adoption right away but we had your dad's health to deal with. It just seems that there just was never a right time to adopt.

Last year we started down the path to become foster parents with the adoption option but then I quit my job to take care of Daddy and the grant he is on is somehow incompatible with the stipend offered to foster parents so that didn't work out. (This news was delievered by a shrew harpy that seemed all too happy to dash our hopes and dreams to the ground, need and desire be damned.)

So once again we put our desire to be parents on hold. Until this week. This week, both your dad and I have felt bombarded by messages to look into the possibility of adopting an older child (6-10). We have seen commercials, billboards, bus ads, TV segments, and heard radio spots all week about the possibility of adopting one of MN's waiting children. We are open but we aren't rushing into anything. Both your dad and I are typically impatient and tend to run when we should walk or wait.

Today, Daddy and I prayed. We prayed that if God wants us to be parents in this way, he will make it happen so we know it's right. We know He can do it. We just want Him to do it RIGHT NOW!

After we prayed, we both felt like it was an important step and felt good about leaving it in God's hands. Later on, as I was cleaning up the dinner dishes, I felt an overwhelming urge to pray for you. I prayed that you had had a nice meal that filled you up and were in a safe and warm home. I prayed you had a warm bed and that most of all the people who were caring for you (be they your birth parents, foster parents, or other) were kind and loving and taking good care of you. I prayed for your protection and I prayed for you to have time to enjoy being a kid and not have to worry about grown-up things like money, housing, food, and such.

The rest of the night I would just find myself thinking about you and where you might be and what circumstances might bring you to our home. I want you to know that Daddy and I will NEVER replace your birth parents. We will just be your 2nd set of parents. Your birth parents brought you into the world and for whatever reason, we were sent to see you out into it. To teach you the rest of what you need to know to be a loving, productive member of society. It's scary but also very exciting.

So, right now we are going to pray and see what God does. We want to follow His Steps and only go through the doors He opens. There is an information meeting we may want to attend in September. This will introduce us to the process and see if it's right for us and if we are right for the program. It seems like a long time to wait, but in the meantime, we will continue to pray. We will pray for you and that we will be in the right place at the right time.

Update on Your Dad

2009-07-20T22:15:00.002-05:00

Hey there Kiddo!

I wanted to write and tell you about today. I haven't written a "real time" entry to you yet but there is some stuff going on with your dad that I wanted to get down.

Daddy went to see his Muscular Dystrophy doctor (Dr. Day) today. Daddy used to see him once a year but today Dr. Day said he needs to see Daddy every 6 months. He is also concerned about Daddy's heart and lung function. This is not new. I've written about it before. Daddy has an appointment to see a pulmonary doctor next month and he had a test called an EKG to monitor his heart today.

Dr. Day also would like Daddy to see a sleep specialist. Daddy's done this before but they didn't really do it right the first time. Dr. Day says that Muscular Dystrophy makes all of Daddy's body functions more difficult. He doesn't have the muscles most everyone else has in order to breathe deeply. He doesn't have the muscles to digest his food quickly (and sometimes properly). He also doesn't always have the muscles to swallow correctly. Dr. Day did say that the difficulty Daddy has with his lungs and heart aren't a direct result of his MD and should not be in direct danger of muscle degeneration, so that is good news. But the muscles Daddy lacks make it hard for him to breathe, eat, swallow, and digest food. However, Daddy still has strong hands and legs.

Dr. Day said the pain Daddy has in his shoulders and back is normal. His nurse told Daddy to watch the neck pain and to baby his neck once the pain starts but not beforehand or he will lose the strength he has.Dr. Day gave Daddy some advice on how to make sure these things still happen as best as they can. He also told Daddy it would be good if he ate more fruit. Hahahahahahahaha (That's me laughing because we all know Daddy hates fruit. All fruit.) Hahahahahaha whew!

While I was in the clinic waiting room waiting for Daddy I saw many little boys in wheelchairs waiting for their appointments with the doctor. Most of them had Duchene's Muscular Dystrophy and a few of them were even on ventilators. The sad truth is that the majority of them won't live to see the age of 18. It is sobering to think of all their parents must do to take care of them only to lose them at such a young age. As bad as it is with Daddy (and sometimes we get caught up in how bad it is), it could always be so much worse. We are so thankful for Dr. Day and all the good folks at the U of M MDA clinic. I really don't know what we would do without them.

Answers to Prayer

2009-07-19T00:48:00.002-05:00

Hey Kiddo,

I wanted to take more time to tell you about what happened after Daddy's diagnosis. At the time of this writing, it's been just over 7 years since the diagnosis. Daddy's been in a wheelchair for about 6 years and we've never stopped trying, praying, and hoping for you.

When I think back on those first few days after we got the news, I think those were the scariest days. I remember working on something in our kitchen and beginning to cry. I cried so hard I ended up sobbing on the floor. I remember crying out to God not to take my husband away from me.

Daddy was so sad in those days. It wasn't only because of his health either. Soon after he received the diagnosis, Daddy's best friend Jim suffered a stroke and became paralysed from the nose down and had to be put into a nursing home. It was a black time in Daddy's life.

What I wanted to talk about here though is all the things God did to bring us through. Though we were afraid and had no idea what the future held, we did not blame God or yell at Him or get angry at Him. God became our lifeline. It says in the Bible that God is our everpresent help in times of trouble, our rock, our fortress and we found that to be true. Here are just some of the ways God met us in our time of need and answered our prayers.

1.) Even though Daddy lost his job, he was able to apply for and receive SSI disability almost right away. People in the know told us that was unheard of. Most of the time people have to apply 2 or 3 times before getting their benefits.

2.) I got a job with really good medical benefits. About the time Daddy needed a wheelchair, we were freaked out because of the cost. I looked over our healthcare policy and saw that they paid for power mobility in cases of neuromuscular disorders only. That was what Daddy had! The insurance paid for all but the co-pay and the Muscular Dystrophy Association picked that up. Once Daddy had his wheelchair, we could go places again. Daddy had his freedom back.

3.) Daddy was in the hospital, in the ICU. He was really, really sick and I was really, really scared. The doctors told us some dire things and there was even the possibility that Daddy could die or end up on a ventilator. We listened to the doctors and cried. I had to leave the hospital to go home and I cried all the way home. When I got home, I sat down to write an email but while I wrote, I realized that doctors don't know everything, they just tell what they think they know. I began to pray out loud and with authority and I prayed for Daddy's healing. I found out later that Daddy was doing the same thing in the hospital. When the doctors came back, they were astounded to find Daddy doing much better. In fact, he didn't need a ventilator, he didn't die, and the even moved him out of ICU. He was released from the hospital a couple of days later. God answered our prayers and we knew we'd experienced a miracle.

4.) Once Daddy got the wheelchair, we needed a vehicle in which to get him around. We looked for a year and a half but never felt God give us the go ahead to buy a new van. One day your aunt Kristi decided to help us raise money to buy a van she'd found. It was pre-owned but not very old and had all the bells and whistles. Through her help and the help of our church, family, and friends, we were able to buy the van. It was another step in Daddy gaining his independence and freedom.

5.) After a while it became apparent that though Daddy could still get around in his wheelchair, he was getting progressively weaker and needed more care. I didn't think I could stay home and care for him since my job provided us with income and insurance. But we found out that there was a grant Daddy could try to get that would allow him to pay me to care for him. Daddy told me to quit my job. I did. I quit my job before we even knew if Daddy would qualify for the grant. Thankfully, he got the grant and not only was he able to pay me to care for him, the grant pays for other things Daddy needs. He also qualified for help with food, medical, and other things too so all of Daddy's needs are covered and because I get a paycheck to take care of Daddy, we can pay our other bills and make ends meet.

6.) Daddy's friend Jim is still around too. We've prayed for his healing but those prayers haven't been answered. The prayers that HAVE been answered are the ones regarding Jim's ability to communicate. He has a computer that he works with just his eye movements and he's able to "talk" to Daddy and aunt Monica. Technology is such that there is not much Jim won't be able to do as long as there are grants and funding around to help him. Daddy and Jim are talking about writing a book together and they have been able to renew their friendship. It's a beautiful thing.

7.) There are hundreds of other prayers God has answered. Specific prayers about things we needed, finances, health of family and friends, finding a new church, reaching out to others, and making a difference.

We don't know why (at least at this writing) God has not yet answered our prayers for you, but we have seen His hand at work in our lives and marriage enough to learn to trust Him. Other than Daddy's complete and total healing, it's the one prayer God hasn't answered yet.

You know it's weird to me that your daddy and I will be celebrating our 8 year wedding anniversary in September. It seems like we were JUST married. Sometimes I think the immenent urgency of Daddy's diagnosis and subsequent health issues meant that we were immersed in that and nothing else that time just seemed to stand still. Now, all of a sudden, we are able to catch our breath and relax a bit and it seems weird that kids we knew are now teens we know and newlyweds are parents and graduates are working adults. It doesn't make sense in my head even though I know differently. It's like we were in a time machine where everyone else went forward and we were stuck. Now that we have the time and energy to put into parenthood, it's not happening and even if it did, we are much older than we were when we first got married. Kids we were hoping would be your playmates are now about to start school for goodness sake.

Well, anyway, I wanted you to know that your Daddy and I believe God had His hand on us from the minute we met (actually from the time we were born) and still has His hand on us to this day. We are trusting Him to continue to take care of us and we are trusting Him to bring you to us some day. We are also trusting Him to be a big part of your life.

Love,

Momma

The Diagnosis

2009-07-18T00:56:00.002-05:00

Dear Kiddo,

Today I want to tell you about when we received Daddy's diagnosis. (Diagnosis means doctors tell you what is going on with your body and why you might have something wrong with you.)

Your Daddy and I got married on September 29th, 2001. It was just after the 9/11 attackes on the World Trade Center in NYC and we were just doubly aware of our good fortune in finding each other and falling in love. Family and friends were (and continue to be) very important to us and we were so happy to have had many of them at our wedding. We were even more exicted to go on our honeymoon and begin our life together.

Soon after we got married, Daddy turned 40. A few months later I turned 34. My birthday is right around Christmas and we were really looking forward to spending our first Christmas together and yet figuring out how to divide our time with our families. We decided pretty quickly that we would spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other and then the next year we would switch.

We spent Thanksgiving with Daddy's family but your Uncle Don and Aunt Kathy weren't there at that time. We had them over to our apartment for a visit and it was a nice time. Later on we heard through the family grapevine that Uncle Don was worried about your dad. He thought Daddy wasn't looking so good. I thought so too but I had promised Daddy that I would not nag him and I wasn't about to break my promise just a few months after our wedding.

The apartment building we lived in had steps to get into the building and then a split entry. We had to walk up a few stairs in order to get to our place. That winter it became very difficult for Daddy to walk up those stairs, especially if he had to carry groceries or other items. I knew this was not normal for a young man of just 40 years old so I asked Daddy to see a doctor. I ended up asking him several times over the course of a couple of months. Some people might see this as nagging, but I see it more as impartial urging. (Ask Daddy and he will say it was nagging but since it was done in love and pretty much saved his life, he was OK with it that one time.)

Daddy didn't have a doctor so we looked up doctors in our health plan at a nearby clinic and found one named Dr. Gezundhite. Yes, his name sounds like the German for God bless you. Daddy says this doctor basically took one look at him and knew (or suspected) what was wrong. This is what we call ironic since Daddy had seen several medical professionals over the years for various problems and health issues and none of them had ever told him he may have a neuromuscular disorder. Dr. G performed a few tests on Daddy and immediately referred him to a local neurologist. Thus began several weeks of various tests. Daddy was NOT happy because he does not like doctors, doctor offices, hospitals, or other things having to do with tests, needles, operations, and the like.

Daddy's neurologist told him she suspected he had a condition called Muscular Dystrophy. She wasn't sure on the type but the tests would be able to pinpoint that. It was important to find out because there are over 40 different types/kinds of Muscular Dystrophy. We were taken aback but if truth be known, I was a little relieved that Daddy's condition had a name and could be pinpointed. So many medical conditions are mysteries and they call it "practicing medicine" for a reason.

After many tests, the neurologist called me and Daddy into her office and told us that Daddy had a type of MD called FSH. This means his facial, shoulder, upper arm, and upper leg muscles were breaking down and going away. This is why things like climbing stairs and standing after falling were so hard for Daddy. It also explained why he was in so much pain and why he came home from 12 hour work days with bruised shins. The doctor explained that there was no cure, there was no way to stop the muscle degeneration, and there was really no way to treat Daddy's condition. She also said that this particular type of MD usually did not affect vital organs such as heart and lungs but it could in the very rarest of cases.

It's hard to remember everything from that time. I remember thinking the testing was taking forever...until we received the diagnosis, then I feel like time just sped up. We had only been married for 6 months when Daddy was diagnosed so we were still new to each other and still learning how to live together. We thought we had an ideal married life spanning ahead of us but then we found out that life was not going to go the way we thought it was.

See Kiddo, this is why vows are receited at weddings. There may have been a tempation for either Mommy or Daddy to leave the marriage at this point. Daddy talked of wanting to leave because he was afraid that his disease was going to be too big a burden on me. He also told me I could leave, divorce him and find someone "normal" to love. I don't know if you know this yet or not, but there really is no such thing as normal. I told Daddy that yes, this news was shocking and unexpected but if it wasn't this, we would most likely have another something to deal with in our married life. I pointed out that it could be so much worse and we could handle anything together with God.

However, little did I know that as bad as things were, they could get even worse. Even though we thought we'd been dealt a huge blow, we had several more coming. Three months after Daddy's diagnosis, he lost his job. Based on his doctor's recommendation and advise, he did not look for another job but applied for and received Social Security Disability. We had to move to an apartment without stairs and found a handicapped accessible apartment in Minnetonka. One year after Daddy's diagnosis, he was told he'd have to have a power wheelchair if he wanted to preserve what muscle he did have. That same year, he had another medical scare and ended up in the hospital for just over a week.

Kiddo, it is no exageration to say that after Daddy's diagnosis, the next year to 2 years of our lives were filled with fear, depression, and the dreadful feeling that "the other shoe" was going to drop. During this time Daddy and I really learned to hold on to each other and to God. We had to learn to ask our family, friends, and church for help and support. We learned that we weren't an island of newlyweded bliss but were part of a community ready, willing, and able to help us. We also learned that no matter how bad it got, it could always be worse and that though we were tempted at times to feel self pity, we could see others who had it a lot tougher than we did.

It was during this time that we came to appreciate the local Muscular Dystrophy Association office and the people working there. They were a lifeline to us. We met others in the same boat and were able to find support. We will always be grateful to the MDA.

One of the biggest struggles we have faced is how to handle advise, criticism, and negative comments from others. When Daddy went to a wheelchair to spare the toll his disease was taking on his body, a few people told him he was giving in to the devil and allowing him to win. They didn't see the wheelchair as the answer to prayer we saw. Some people also thought Daddy was living with unconfessed sin because he wasn't healed and seemed to be getting worse. They didn't see God using Daddy to encourage and lift up others who were downhearted about their own situations. There were others who thought Daddy should pray for healing and expect a miracle. They didn't see Mommy and Daddy and countless others praying for that very thing or how God healed other areas of Daddy's heart and life. God is in the business of miracles and He has healed Daddy...just not in the way people think.

Kiddo, you have always known the Daddy in the wheelchair. But there was a day when Daddy could walk, run, and jump. I know it's his fondest desire to walk, run, and jump with you and we know that one day he will but it may not happen in this life. Just because he can't play soccer or basketball with you doesn't mean he can't do stuff with you or support your physical fun and fitness. He's no different than any other daddy. He loves you and wants the very best for you. I know you know this but I wanted to write it down so you could keep it forever. Even though all of this was a surprise to us when we got married, it wasn't a surprise to God. We believe that God brought us together at the exact right time in order to be together to walk through it all together. We have always said Daddy may have Muscular Dystrophy but Muscular Dystrophy does not have Daddy.

Love,

Momma

When It All Made Sense

2009-07-14T13:05:00.003-05:00

Dear Kiddo,

As you know your Dad and I call ourselves Christians and are trying to raise you in the tenants of that faith. Through the years we have probably told you the stories of how we came to know and love God and His Son Jesus but I am going to write my story here for you.

Your Grandma and Grandpa Nelson raised me and my brother in the church. Grandma and Grandpa grew up attending Baptist churches and took us to one when we lived in the Twin Cities. When we moved to Wisc. Rapids, we ended up attending a Congegational church. But the church that I consider to be the "church I grew up in" is the church known as the Evangelical Free Church (This does not mean they are free of evangelicals like caffiene free means something is free of caffiene. I believe it means they are free in their evangelical beliefs).

So I grew up going to church, hearing and learning the Bible, learning and singing hymns, and learning to pray. These things became important to me but they were only important because they were important to my mom and dad. It was ritual and rote. I remember being in 6th grade and thinking it very important to read my Bible every day. I even kept a journal of what I read and when I read it. Then I missed a day and felt like the most worthless kid in the world. I was trying to please God on my own and failed miserably. I also remember trying to pray for everyone I knew every night before I went to bed as if their soul depended on my prayers. I failed there too but still, I kept trying.

When I was 13, we moved to Stoughton. Around this same time my mom and dad started changing. It started with a business they became involved in. Some of the changes happened because of the business and some happened because they happened to find the key to peace. To put it bluntly, Grandma and Grandpa found Jesus and as a result, they changed and so did our household.

Looking back, there were A LOT of changes going on at this time. We'd just moved to a new town, my brother and I had to attend a new school, make new friends, and find our way around a new place. We began looking for a church and found it at Calvary Evangelical Free Church. Suddenly we were at church every time the doors were open. (That meant Wednesday night, Sunday morning, and Sunday evening as well as every night for 1 week during the summer.) This was a new phenomenon and took some getting used to.

Now Grandma says she and Grandpa tried to tell me and your uncle Jeff about Jesus and how we could know Him too. I honestly don't remember them doing this but I remember my dad trying hard to lead us in family devotions after dinner and us hating it (poor dad). I remember them taking all the alcohol out of our house (not that they were big drinkers at all). I remember them just seeming so different.

Also around this time I really struggled. I was having a hard time at school. I was having a hard time making friends and fitting in. I was having a hard time getting along with my parents. I felt out of sorts, angry, lonely, and alone. I was making some friends at our new church but those friendships weren't really carrying over to my school social life. However, there was another connection I made from church that did carry over.

There was a man at our church who was also a Youth For Christ leader for our town and the next town over. He (Neil) and his family attended our little church and I liked them a lot. I did some babysitting for them as they had 3 young children and they kind of took me on. (Neil even did some family counseling with me and my parents when I got too out of hand.) Part of this involved inviting me to attend Youth For Christ (or Campus Life as it was called then) meetings. Campus Life meetings were held Tuesday nights and usually either met at Neil's house or another kid's home. The meetings weren't hugely attended but enough people attended that I was interested in attending. And, let's be honest, there were some cute boys in attendance that I wanted to get to know better. So I went.

I think it was my freshman year of high school, when I was 14 years old that Neil invited me to attend a Christian rock concert with the group. At first I was hesitant. The only Christian music I knew of was the hymns we sang at church and that didn't sound fun at all (especially since the hymns we sang were all sang slowly whether or not it was a slow or peppy song). Still, I knew the cute boys would be going so I agreed to go.

Let me tell you that the Christian rock we heard that night was nothing like the hymns we sang at church. The band playing was called Petra. They were on the More Power to Ya tour and played the West High School auditorium and they ROCKED!! It was very exciting. It was music that sounded like what they played on regular radio but it had lyrics that talked about God and Jesus. I was amazed and instantly hooked.

During this concert they sang a song called Too Late for Annie. The minute they started singing this song it was as if everyone in the auditorium left and they were just singing to me. How did they know that I was so sad? How did they know I'd thought of committing suicide? How did they know that sometimes I just wanted to die? And yet this song offered hope. It wasn't too late for me! After they sang the song, they talked about one that loved me unconditionally. They talked about Jesus. They explained that God loved me but because He is holy and perfect and I wasn't (still am not) I could not have a relationship with God. They said this was a problem but God offered a solution by sending Jesus, His perfect, sinless son. Jesus came and died and rose again so we could know God and have relationship with him.

Suddenly all the stuff I'd heard in church made sense. It was as if everything alligned to that one point in time to allow me to know the Truth. And in that moment, I accepted it. I wanted to know God and I wanted to be fully loved and accepted. I took a hold of what was offered and made it my life that night.

This is not to say that I haven't struggled with some of those same feelings I brought with me to the concert that night. I have. I've struggled with depression, lonliness, rejection, and fear since then but I've also found peace in knowing that I am not alone and that I am loved. I have forgiveness for my sins, shortcomings, and failings, and I have the hope of eternal life at the end of this one. All of that was offered to me that night in 1982 and I not only accepted it, I grabbed it, took hold of it, and made it part of me.

Your dad has his own story of how he also found/met Jesus and I hope he will share it here. If not, just ask him about it. He would be more than happy to tell you. We love you and we want you to know the joy and peace we have found. We want you to know why we live the way we do and we hope that we don't preach Christ to you as much as we live as He did.

Love,

Mom

The Un-Cool Kid

2009-07-12T20:51:00.002-05:00

I made a decision. When I'm writing, it helps me to think of to whom I'm writing. So even though we don't have kids, the stories I'm telling are the ones I've saved to tell them so I'm going to write as though I'm writing to our own kids. And even if there never are kids of our own, maybe there are other kids who will read this and somehow it will resonate with them. So all blog entries from now on will be addressed to our kids.

Dear Kiddo,

I was never one of the cool kids. Well, that's not altogether true. I was one for part of 7th grade and it was awesome but then we moved and we lived in a new town and I had to go to a new school and make new friends and therefore lost my "cool-kid" status. (Remind me that when I was 13, I thought I was cool because I had a boyfriend and my best friend was a cheerleader and she had a boyfriend too. Not that we will let you have a boy/girlfriend at 13 but it's good to be reminded about what I thought was cool when I was 13.)

We moved a lot when I was growing up, which probably contributed to my lack of cool-ness. It didn't seem to affect your uncle Jeff the same (because undoubtedly he is still super cool), but I think it did affect me. As far as I can remember, we lived in 3 places before I was 5. We moved from the Twin Cities, MN to Wisconsin Rapids, WI before I finished first grade. I think I might have been cool in first grade. Maybe. My best friends were cool (at least I remember them that way). Julie Brand, Jeffrey Rosen, and Susan Hanes (or Haynes or Haines?). Julie was my longest friend. I think I met her in nursery school and we were in Indian Princesses together, but we lost touch after the move and I've always wondered what happened to her.

Anyway, from birth to 8th grade, we had moved at least 7 times and I attended 5 different schools. Not to say moving was the only thing stopping me from being cool. Oh no. I was a kid with a tender heart and a giant sense of justice, a near addiction to having a set PLAN, and a propensity towards thinking I was always right (note I use the word WAS? Just sayin'). These traits do not make for a laid back, cool kind of kid. I cried at the drop of a hat and defended the weak and bullied kids on the playground. If you surround yourself with kids that other kids define as uncool, you will be labeled uncool by comparison. (Some of those bullied and "weak" kids were some of the most amazing kids I've ever known so don't let the label others throw on someone stop you from discovering a great person.)

When you move a lot, you learn things to help you get by in a new school and neighborhood. I learned how to talk to people. I learned how to ask them questions. Asking people questions makes them feel important, makes them think you are interested in them, and their answers give you insights into who they are. I also learned to make people laugh, if not with me, then at me. Well, not at first. There were times when I inadvertedly made people laugh at my expense which made me feel bad and I would cry. (This will only make people laugh at you more.) Later, I learned if I just let up on myself and laughed at myself, it actually went better all around. MAN, that was a lesson that was a long time learned. (I know you can only really learn what you yourself experience but if you can learn this lesson just by my say so, you will aleviate a lot of personal pain.)

The coolest friends I ever had were the friends I made when I didn't worry about who was cool or where I fit in. When I trusted God to lead me to the people that needed me and to whom I needed to be with. I am still friends with many of these people today. These are the people with whom I could just be myself, even if I was loud, said something stupid, or made a mistake. These friends span from my days in high school and college to today and include your dad. These are the friends who love me in spite of my uncoolness and they make me look cool by their generous friendship.

The coolest job I ever had was when I worked as a radio announcer/radio news reporter. It was a great job but in the long run, I see it was a job that was TOO cool for me (I once got an exclusive with the Govenor of WI and though it was an amazing coup, I couldn't help but think that to top that, I'd have to do that or better EVERY DAY! That's how news works but I wasn't up for that). I didn't really fit. I liked it but I didn't like deadlines, I didn't like the station drama, and I found out it wasn't really...me. Some people think what you do is who you are. I am not one of them. I think no matter what you do, you should do it as though it matters to God. Work as though God is right there with you and your work will make a difference.

I bet you wonder why this even matters. Why would your mom tell you how uncool she is when you already know that she is patently uncool. Aren't all parents? Well, yes, that's true in some ways. We are uncool to you because you are young and hip and trendy. But it wasn't always that way. There was a time when I was young and kind of hip...and sort of trendy. (I never really gave into labels or fads. I didn't see the point of trying to be an individual in the same clothes as everyone else.) I just want you to know that when you get left out, left behind, teased, or bullied you are not alone. I've been there. Your dad has been there. Even your cool uncle Jeff and Grandpa Bruce have been there. I know that things look dark and bleak and it may seem as though you will never fit in, never have a friend you can trust, or that you will never belong anywhere. It may seem that way now, but it won't always be that way.

Your dad and I love you and we are so thankful God gave you to us. We think you are the most amazing kid on the planet and can't imagine what we did to deserve such a terrific addition to our family. We think you can do anything you set your mind to accomplish. I know it's no big thing for your mom and dad to think that. We're supposed to love you, right? Well we do but we also see you through the eyes of time. We see the things you are struggling with now and we remember our own struggles with those exact same things. We got through them and we know you will get through them too.

How did we get through them? Well, Daddy will have to tell you the specifics of his stories but I got through them with support from my own mom and dad, my friends, and prayer. God has shown me time and time again that He loves me and I am not here alone. It is a lesson I am still learning today but looking back on all the times God's had my back makes it easier to trust Him the next time.

Just know you are not alone. You have us and you have a heavenly Father that loves you even more than we do. He loves you even more than we can express or understand. He knows about rejection and fear and not fitting in so if there is something weighing on you that you don't think you can bring to me or Daddy, try bringing it to God. Just try it and see what happens. Maybe nothing will change right away but you can be sure of one thing, He will hear you. He heard me when I cried out to Him and He heard Daddy too. Not only did He hear but He answered and continues to answer us to this day.

Don't worry. I know life like it is today feels like it's going to stay/be this way forever but it won't always be this way. It will get better, it will change. You'll get better, you'll change. You'll see.

The Story of Us Pt 3

2009-07-11T22:44:00.002-05:00

So Bob and I began dating. And as we dated, I kept an open mind and began to see all the things about Bob that were amazing and wonderful. He treated me better than anyone ever had. He called me Princess even though I felt about the furthest thing from a princess.

I never told Bob about my conversation with God and how I wanted a man to be captivated by me. I never even used the word "captivated" in any conversation with Bob. Still, one night while we were sitting and talking, Bob looked deep in my eyes and said, "Amy, you captivate me." My heart stopped, I stared, and said something completely articulate...like, "wha-aat? What did you say?"

Bob said, "I know I've never said anything like that before but I was searching for a word that would really explain how I feel about you and that is the word that jumped into my head." Later, when he left to go home, I ran into my bedroom and did a little dance, jumping up and down, and thanked God. The thing is, Bob didn't just say it, he showed me, in hundreds of ways.

After we'd been dating about 2 months, we started talking about the possibility of getting married. Bob said we should pray about it specifically for a week and then come back together to see what we think after that. We did and when we came back together to talk, we both felt like God was leading us to get married. As confirmation, when we each wrote down the day we thought we should get married, we had each written down the same date: 9-30-01. (Eventually we had to change it because the 30th was a Sunday and we wanted to get married on a Saturday.)

I knew we wanted to get married and we had looked at rings together but I didn't know when or where Bob might "pop" the question. I suspected maybe close to Christmas or New Years. However, on a regular December 5th night I was expecting Bob to come to my apartment for a regular date. He buzzed our apartment and I let him in. It seemed to take him a long time to get to our apartment but he finally arrived. We made small talk with my roommate and her daughter and then we departed to go to the main lobby lounge (we did this often to give my roommates and us some privacy).

Bob seemed a little antsy. When we got to the lounge, I sat down and he walked over to the fireplace. I asked him what he was doing and he said he had a surprise for me. He pulled a dozen roses from the wood bin and brought them over to me. Then he got down on one knee and presented a little white ring box to me. He opened the box revealing a beautiful diamond ring (one I'd LOVED when we looked but didn't think we could afford) and asked me to marry him. I wish I remembered his exact words but I just remember being thrilled, excited, and so sure that this was right. I said yes, we kissed, and then we went to my apartment to tell my roommates and call my folks.

Thus began 9 months of wedding/marriage planning. Good thing we had some time to plan and get to know each other better. At ages 33 and 39, we were a little older than your average engaged couple but we were also old enough to know what we did and didn't want in lifetime partner. Bob didn't want a nagging wife. I wanted someone who would be for me and never against me. I told Bob that my biggest fear was giving my whole heart to someone only to have them leave for someone else. He said he didn't want to get married only to wish later he'd never gone through with it because his wife constantly nagged him.

Looking back on that time now, I'd say we were naive and unprepared, but I don't know how you can ever be fully prepared for what the future holds. The best you can do is pick someone who would rather walk with you through it all than leave you alone to deal with it by yourself.

Bob has kept his word and has always been for me. I've mostly kept my word and am not a nagging wife. (The only exception being getting him to a doctor for 2 life saving issues.)

What have I learned from this? I have learned that vows are serious promises and really mean something. When you stand in front a God, a preacher, and all your families and friends and say you promise to love someone in richer and in poorer, for better and for worse, and in sickness and health you are mostly thinking in richer, better, and health scenerios. Anyone can be faithful and stick by someone when times are good. It's when times go to hell that tests the mettle of a vow and committment. I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I've never been afraid and wanted to leave. I wouldn't be human if I hadn't. What I'm saying is I took those vows seriously and meant them even if I had no idea they would be so severely tested. I believe we are together for a reason. Bob clicked on my online ad and wrote me an email for a reason. I answered that email and agreed to meet him for a reason. We dated, fell in love, and got married for a reason. We were meant to be together. We were meant to walk through life, to work at marriage, and to create a family together. That's what I learned and continue to learn from this.

The Story of Us Pt 2

2009-07-07T22:40:00.000-05:00

So Bob and I went out on our first date after I stalked him at his job and ended up talking to him all night. I don't remember much about that first date other than we went to Denny's first for dinner (unfortunately, the Denny's is no longer standing since they tore it down to revamp Hwy 100. No recreation of our first date for us.) I remember thinking Bob walked a little funny. He explained that his knees really bothered him due to several surgeries he'd had. Also, he had scoliocis that was never corrected and these conditions combined to make it difficult for him to get around.

After dinner, we weren't yet ready to part company but it was raining so we couldn't just sit outside and chat. I suggested we drive over to the Bethel College campus and use their Great Hall lounge to just sit and talk. It turned out to be a great suggestion. We sat and talked as college students whirled, studied, and moved around us.

It was sitting there talking to Bob that I got the first inclination that he might be more than a friend. While talking, I unconsciously began holding Bob's hand. I am a toucher and while touching, I move my hand or fingers around. While holding Bob's hand, I ran my thumb over his hand in little massaging circles. After a while, Bob reached over and deliberately took my hand. I asked him what he was doing and he said "this". Then he began to move his thumb deliberately around my hand. Then he said, "It just felt so good, I wanted you to know how it felt." I was shocked that something I was basically doing unconsciously made him feel so good AND that he would deliberately reciprocate.

When I think back on this time, I see God's hand of protection over me. I was 32, had never been married, and desprately wanted to be. I had left my family, friends, and home state of Wisconsin 2 years prior and was struggling to find my way in Minnesota. I enjoyed being single but longed to be a wife and mother. To that end I didn't always make the best or wisest decisions on who I dated. Right about the time I met Bob, I ended things with a local man I'd met online. He had said he was a Christian and he went to church, but he was the most selfish, oafish, and self serving bastard I'd met. We didn't date long but it was long enough to alert me to the type of man I knew I didn't want to date.

One night while praying about this bastard-man (BM) and my dating life I felt like God was saying, "What do you want?" I told God I wanted a man who was captivated by me. I wanted to feel loved and cherished. It was obvious that BM did not love or cherish me and this relationship was not God's best for me. I decided I'd rather be single forever than hooked up to some guy just to avoid being alone. I met Bob in person the very next week.

ANYWAY, as we walked through the Great Hall on our way back to our cars, Bob saw the chapel and suggested we go in. Once inside, he asked if it would be OK if he prayed. I said it would. He prayed asking God to bless our friendship and to guide our steps and it was perfect. Once at our cars, he asked if he could kiss me goodnight. I said he could so he did. It was a nice, sweet kiss.

On the drive home, I began to over-analyze the whole night (as I am wont to do). I had had a good time and really liked Bob. There were some things that bothered me though. Bob wasn't much of a reader and I really liked to read and discuss what I was reading and had hoped to find someone like minded. Bob also didn't go to church EVERY Sunday but went when his work schedule allowed it. Also, it was clear that we came from very different backgrounds and upbringings and while I don't care about stuff like that, it has the potential to cause problems and division.

Before I got home, I decided to pray about the things that concerned me. When I prayed about the reading thing, I was reminded that Bob had said he had read through the entire Bible twice and was in the process of reading through it a third time. So he DID read, he just chose to spend that time in the Word. Can't find fault in that. (It wasn't like he was only reading Playboy...you know, for the articles.)

When I prayed about the church thing, I was reminded that Bob said part of why he didn't go was that he hadn't really found a church he liked or where he felt at home. He had asked if I minded him visiting my church with me.

When I prayed about our different upbringings and backgrounds, I was reminded that every family has its own problems, issues, and ideals and part of friendship/relationships is working through the past as you make a future together.

By the time I got home, I felt at peace about Bob and whatever God wanted to do with our relationship. I was excited for this new friendship and thrilled that it might be a path to what I'd been looking, longing, and hoping for.

What I learned through all of this was:

1.) Pray. Put your feelings, thoughts, anxieties, hopes, desires, dreams to prayer. God knows it all anyway and will hopefully grant you some peace once you entrust Him with your heart.

2.) Take a chance on people. I gave BM WAY more chances than I should have and was tempted to hold back on giving Bob anything due to the hurt I experienced. However, I realized Bob wasn't at fault for my hurt and deserved better than to be treated as if he was.

3.) A little kindness goes a long way. By rubbing Bob's hand with my thumb, I gave him something he had been looking for, kindness. And he wasn't the kind of man to just take from someone without giving back. If I'd held back, I wouldn't have blessed him and he wouldn't have blessed me in return.

4.) What I think I want is not always what's best for me or even what I really need. If I'd rejected Bob because he wasn't a hipster reading, guitar-playing kind of guy, I would have missed out on a really great thing. Who knows what would have happened? I may still be single to this day or may have ended up in a worse relationship.

Ideas For Future Posts

2009-07-06T23:26:00.000-05:00

Ideas for upcoming posts. I am just posting this for my own memory. This is going to be a really fluid blog and I may add or detract from the following based upon whims and/or the leading of God. I may not write about any of these or may write about them all. It's just stuff that is coming from my head tonight. Thanks.

The inspiration for the title of this blog

Why we chose the children's names we chose, Grace and Logan(and held on to them for 8+ years)

Bob's MD diagnosis and how it changed the rest of our lives

Marriage and what it means to us or why marry your best friend

Why we love animals and have pets

Who Jesus is to us and why we love Him

Bob's poetry

My love of photography

Why read and libraries are magical places

Our own parents & families, or Where We Came From

Sex is Not Love or Boys and Girls are OH SO different

Manners mean something

Skin color is just wrapping on the present of a person

Why Church?

Music is the melody of our memories

Friends, Boyfriends/Girlfriends, and Lovers

Pain and Growth

The "Right" Way to Do Things

Respect and How to Have/Earn it

Being Cool isn't All it's Cracked up to Be

Everything You do Affects Everything You Do

Money and How to Have it

Fame/Riches is Not Really a Viable Option

Why God Matters

School is only 13 (+College) years of your possible 80 years of life.

40 is NOT old

We Live in a Great Country but We Are Not the Only Country

Travel, Travel, Travel

Be Yourself

Your Kids WILL laugh at your yearbook. Yes they will (and your favorite music).

You have 1 mouth and 2 ears for a reason

Real Life is NOTHING Like School (Most jobs do not give you a summer vacation)

You may be smart, but what you DON'T know far outweighs what you do know (ie, you don't know everything)

Things happened before you were born. Yes they did

When we were young we ____________. Uphill, both ways, sans shoes, in 27 inches of snow.

Just Because You Can, Doesn't Mean You Should (or why scary movies and sexy books aren't for you. Just kidding. They might be for you but weren't for me)

Being a Vikings Fan in a Packer World

Find out what you love to do and then build a career around that.

The President (or Govenor/Senator/Mayor) is not a Savior. Learning to see politics as separate from faith.

Practice Makes Progress and Failure is a Good Way to Learn.

Tattoos are Permanent. The Band You Tattoo on Your Hip Today Becomes The One Hit Wonder on VH1 Tomorrow.

Story of Us, Pt. 1

2009-07-06T22:55:00.000-05:00

So, this is my first post on a new blog. Someone suggested I write a book and while that seems like a dream come true, I'm not sure what I have to say is really book material. So I thought I'd start a blog and see what comes out of it.

The purpose of this blog is to pass on all the things Bob and I had hoped to pass on to our progeny. Since we don't have any and it looks like we never will, we don't want our hopes, dreams, stories, and life lessons to die with us. We want to pass on what we learn, know, and love to others and this seems as good a way as any.

I'm not sure where to start so I'm going to start with the beginning of me and Bob. We met via an online dating service. I posted an ad in January of 2000. He saw it in August. I was in Amsterdam working on a project for the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and received an email from this very nice man. I was surprised because I hadn't really seen any action from that ad for months.

When I first posted the ad, I received all kinds of responses, most of them weird. The title of my ad was, "Woman of Virture Seeking Man After God's Own Heart". I received responses from Muslims who said they didn't care if I wanted a Christian man, they wanted a virturous woman. I even received a response from a married Baptist minister who wanted to make me his 2nd wife and add me to his family. (He wasn't going to divorce, he wanted more than one wife. I think he really wanted more sex but wasn't going to put it down to that.)

I learned that I wasn't going to meet the man of my dreams right away and that the ad was just a tool to enlarge the pool of single men I could meet. I had moved to the Twin Cities a year and a half prior and attended a church low on the single men count. Online dating provided me with a bigger pool to draw from and I used wisdom and discernment as I decided to whom to respond, date, and ditch.

Bob's emails were nice, sweet, and friendly. I learned he was a single man living with his sister and brother in law in a Twin Cities suburb only 40 minutes away. That was a plus since most of my other responses were from other states altogether.

When I got back from Amsterdam, we graduated from emails to phone calls and eventually decided to meet for dinner on October 1st. Not being a person of patience, I decided to check him out.

Based on our conversations, I knew where Bob worked. (He was the night manager of a conveinence store/gas station.) I was housesitting for a co-worker and bored to tears so I decided to drive to the gas station and check out the man himself.

When I got there, he was busy with customers so I picked out a pack of gum and stood in line to check out. I could have just checked him out and checked out and left but I decided to 'fess up. When I got to the register, I told him who I was and to say he was surprised would be an understatement. However, once we began talking, we couldn't stop. I got to the store around 11:30 and we ended up talking between customers throughout the entire night. I left when his shift ended at 6:00am. Our date was then that night and I was looking forward to getting to know this man more.

Things I learned about Bob from that first night; he could TALK! He talked alot. Alot, alot. But he was kind, wise, and honest. It was like he wanted me to know everything about himself and his past so there would be no secrets or surprises. Nothing he told me freaked me out or surprised me too much or made me think any less of him though. He was a man who loved God, read His Word, but came from a hard life and difficult background. He was making a better life for himself and I could respect that. I thought him very brave and very kind.

At the time I remember thinking that even if dating Bob went nowhere, I would have made a wonderful new friend and that was worth everything to me.